You even shatter the sensations of time and space into split seconds and instant replays.
- Max Schumacher, Network
Wizards tried for years to convert stone to gold, a “science” called alchemy, which essentially attempts to create something valuable from something shitty and worthless. The futility is laughable and almost embarrassing for those bearded warlocks, until recently realizing, while staring into the cold truth, that I do this every day. My less avaricious but just as futile gestures-- instead of changing tin to gold--attempt to process awful things from the past into a positive present; I try to glean wisdom from recurring and unpleasant thoughts.
Did you know I do that? As I retell our stories, relive our adventures, and rehash our journeys? I tirelessly manipulate our time together to make it educational. Something to learn from, grow from and apply as a warning with the next boy?
It’s a criminally easy act, “entertaining” thoughts, and I don’t know what else to do when they arrive. I provide so much time and energy to keep the fuckers around. As of last week, a freshly ended relationship tirelessly stops by to say hello. Although it leaves when I ask, it keeps returning with new stuff. Last night, it came over with vacation photos and a bottle of vodka. This afternoon, it brought a warm blanket and some food. And now it came with funny stories and ice...making the vodka more palatable. I hadn’t thought about him in a few hours, so when it came, I knew what to do: we sat together for hours and had tea. We’ll drink the vodka later, I’m sure.
Sadly, I can’t turn this into gold because alchemy is hard. I have failed like those stinky medieval doctors and warlocks hundreds of years ago. Maybe I let it stay too long, but instead of having a positive outlook, I’m actually wallowing more. Is there a version of alchemy where metal converts into a shittier metal? That’s what’s happening. The dark thoughts have become destructive, and every visit leaves me more empty. Like a dirty aluminum can.
I wrangle my inner cowboy to lasso the ghosts out, but thoughts can be relentless guests; they never get full. And its slow, reluctant, almost turtlelike exit gives me plenty of opportunity to pour another cup of tea and have it stay a bit longer. Also, if these thoughts leave, others will just take their place, and I don’t have the wherewithal to entertain another guest. At least I know what to expect with this one. As with all thoughts, I know it will eventually depart on its own, maniacally leaving destruction in its wake and stealing my good china on the way out.