He is the “wind in my sail,” my sister
once said of a friend who is very close to her. Who isn’t here anymore. So do
I.
At one point, when the freshness of
discovering facts and tastes about the other person was magical, he made me
feel so free. I found a way to soar in our little boat which we, mistakenly,
assumed was sturdily built. Suddenly, it leaks. Holes welcome water and my new
skirt: water damage, water damage, water damage. What do I do with the notions
of Cyprus? Or Spain? These notions…I amused myself with them. And he amused me
with his. To learn foreign tongues among our foreign tongues, until irregular
verbs were the most regular parts of our vocabulary. We made promises of
forever. We swore it to each other.
And now: leaks, holes, wet dress, wrinkly
crinkly fingers, stupid tongues. Like prunes. We were supposed to turn to
prunes together, but in a different way. There is the hope, I realize, when we
reach shore and get out of the water. Nevertheless, the sea is big and so are
our hearts and our hammers. Hope and reconstruction lie everywhere. But to keep
building and mending old holes, to dry off only to be immersed again, to drown
while learning the breast stroke, to learn to swim at all will not achieve the
‘forever’ dream. It just perpetuates the fantasy and the pain. One must realize
their ability to survive in the deep waters without that ‘reliable and sturdy’
boat locked into the notion of forever.