Girl Talk

I received an irritating call from the captain’s insecure girlfriend, which confirmed a few things:

1.     He was cheating on me towards the end of our relationship

2.     He is drama

3.     His new relationship reeks of karma and he will be miserable in the end

4.     I want nothing more to do with him

I was mistaken to put up with so much for so long, but there is no one to blame but myself. I tolerated his behavior and allowed him to treat me according to his own will. 

He Cums and Goes in Waves

Yesterday’s much feared upon yet welcome bit of closure took a nose dive into the bog of eternal stench. The Capt. Felt brave enough to visit his old teacher, under the guise of ‘looking for a tutor’ for a friend. Bullshit. He simply decided that the timing was right to see me, so he did.

My heart sank when he walked into my office, and fuck him for doing so. We chatted he asked about my health said I looked good, filled him in on my life and how great I’ve been, and then realized I had to go to class. Since we were in the middle of catching up, I said goodbye and ‘if it isn’t weird for you, let’s hang out”. With great hesitation he replied—as if letting me know through a forced pause of silence that he was about to break my goddamn heart “I have a girlfriend and I don’t want her to get jealous’. Wow. I had no idea he had begun considering his girlfriend’s feelings. 

Epistolary Relationships with a Hunk

I received the Captain’s response to the email I send him this morning. It was kind. It reeked of nostalgia, while he [twice] referred to our relationship in the past tense, claimed to ‘look at our time together in a positive light’. We both win as we both apologized for our mistakes and transgressions—or at least merely acknowledged them.

The moral? I don’t know. Another relationship came and went. Nine months wasted? No. I lived through this tumultuous and rocky relationship and can say that at least I know what it’s like to fuck a hunk. And he raised the bar on my conversational expectations in a relationship. Those are the two things I will truly miss. On that note, I am recognizing all experiences with the Captain in the past tense and eliminating notions of the future. Those were just ridiculous. 

Confirm Email:

I wrote the Captain an email, but have yet to send it. I’m scared of his reaction. If he’s mean, my heart won’t maintain fortitude, nor my mind the clarity and serenity it has worked so hard to attain.  So, my job is to decide what I want out of the contact—friendship? Closure? Revenge? Ego boost that he didn’t get the final word? I have more thinking to do. An email shouldn’t hold as much weigh as I’ve made it—but he can be very cruel.

Memory Bins

The Captain and I broke up. I haven’t drank since June 21. I haven’t thrown up since then either. I suppose things are going well. I miss him, though. His place in the living room is empty.

When we last spoke he was incredibly cold and uninterested, so I got the hint. He also told me that he’s ‘moving on’. I got that hint as well. It’s strange that I awaited the summer throughout our relationship so as to actualize his departure, yet I am sad upon its arrival.  Closure is missing. The break-up was so quick and on the phone. But what do I need? A face to face ‘fuck you’? And what to make of the expectation that he will walk up my driveway wanting to talk and patch things up? That he remembers telling me that he loves me, that I had him wrapped around my finger, r that I could call him in a year, no matter where I am, and that he’d come for me? Do I throw all that away? Where do I put all those memories?