The Opposite of Love

I’m a bit stronger today than I was yesterday and I can only hope that this trend will continue into tomorrow. My feelings towards the Capt grow microscopically more indifferent every day. And that’s all I can ask for. Indifference.  Not hate.

I know one day the idea of him won’t make me sad, but for now I accept this iota of gloom. At least it also brings with it feeling of disgust, sympathy, and anger. Hopefully these will all coalesce into that wonderful monster of indifference. 

German for a Whale's Vagina

A vacuum, a joke text, a girlfriend discovering correspondence, a dumping of the Capt by said girlfriend all led to my discovery of how toxic this guy really is. I feel strange about it though. He called to tell me the seriousness of their relationship and how he was in the car driving to San Diego to see her. Maybe I should have been stronger—more direct, less available—but I can’t blame myself. He lies, he cheats and he smiles as he does it. There is absolutely nothing to gain from a friendship with him. Begin phone fade out. 

*2 months sober

There are many different things happening right now. I'm preparing for grad school by diligently studying for the GRE and getting application materials together. 

Assuming I don’t get accepted, my plans consist of going to China for a month or getting a real estate license. Either way, I’m quitting my job. I hate my job. In the smaller picture I play with my dog quite a bit and try to find ways to get her to stop humping my leg. I also drink a lot of tea.

I am mourning/celebrating the end of this arduous journey with the Captain, as he will be deployed soon...probably never to be seen again by my eyeballs. For the sake of relinquishing bravado and being totally candid for a second—and as much as I hate to admit it, I will really miss him.

A Woman Scorned

Last night the Capt. stopped by and everything was said, then we had sex., both the conversation and the sex were cathartic; I was glad to return to our old shenanigans. He is a funny and ridiculous person, while at the same time being a lying, cheating snake. He confessed that I pushed him into the arms of this other woman due to my alcoholic bulimia—which he triggered. Every night. Not to blame him, but he was part of it. He said it confused him. I called him a coward and replied that a real man would have just ended it clean. He thought that would have made me sicker—all the while not knowing, because he’s stupid, that it was the indifference towards the relationship what destroyed me the most. That was that for talking.

The sex was vengeful, selfish, calculated and sweaty—all on my part. I couldn’t care less about his. I wanted him to cheat on the woman with whom he used to cheat on me. Hell hath no fury, indeed.