I don’t want to catalogue all of the
emotions that I have endured this month, but it was a lot. One of the most
difficult months of my life. I went through every stage of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and
acceptance.
Denial: the night we split up I went to
bed with a ridiculous smile thinking of how fortunate things had turned out and
concluding that it was all for the best, as the freedom of single life may
offer time to apply to grad school. And I woke up that next morning with my
whole face covered in tears.
Anger: for cheating on me, not believing
in me or us, not taking a chance, and of course in perfect Scott fashion,
putting himself first.
Bargaining: prayer at China Beach, out
the apartment window, in the car at the Golden Gate, anywhere. Everywhere. The
streets of San Francisco are saturated with my prayers. I'll do anything to get him back, dear God.
Depression: going strong, all winter
long.
Acceptance: this is recent, so I don't trust it. I hope that every time it creeps in and goes away a bit of
it remains. Like a hangover. He is a hangover: the terrible present remnant of
a past joy.