My controlling nature has erupted. All
over everyone around me. I can’t accept that things can be good even if they
aren’t living up to my expected design.
I position my relationship against a
pattern of perfection, and even though I don’t live up to that pattern, I
continually continue to continuously fail. I forced open the doors of
communication with B* and faced imperfection head on. When will I find the man
who isn’t afraid to let his guard down…who won’t resent me for expressing
myself. When I said that I had the right to do so, he responded that he had the
right to be withholding. He’s right.
He claims that I am a confusing part of
his life. That we won’t last another two months. That this only works because
I’m in far away and that he wouldn’t want a full time girlfriend. He asked me
to try treating him the way he wanted to be treated and that he questions us
all the time.
My mother told me to stop putting him in
uncomfortable and unfair situations. That the more I push the farther he’ll
run. She called me out on my control issues. What the hell am I doing all this
for anyway? Is the gray, stringy gross nebulous cocoon of our relationship going to metamorphose into a butterfly? Idealism. That’s all this
is.